| | So in counseling Monday, we talked about the all-or-nothing, "is this the best use of my time" question. Tom suggested that I shift the question to, is this a creative use of my time? is this a good use of my time? is this a kind use of my time?
creative, kind, good . . . so much more spacious than "best"!
I've also expanded the scope of my accomplishments notebook at work to include anything and everything I've done, rather than just things that are hard for me. when I tried to decide whether something was hard for me, criticisms about how x "shouldn't" be hard for me would come up. instead of celebrating what I'd done, I pinned myself to the wall, over and over again. no more of that! I'm having a blast noting everything I'm doing and feeling great about my accomplishments. I do a lot more than I was giving myself credit for. it's like I thought nothing I did was worth celebrating, or even acknowledging. that I didn't deserve credit for the work I do. that's for the birds.
my list works like a reverse to-do list. everything that I've done gets noted. I started a notebook for home, too. I even include watching a TV show. (I haven't watched any TV in at least a couple years). it's kind towards myself and good for me to have some downtime, so into the notebook it goes.
somehow my intuition about what's important to me is working better, too. by not asking the impossible what's-the-best-use-of-my-time question, I free myself to consider the wide array of positive choices I could make. instead of agonizing over making the one "right" choice -- and feeling completely inadequate to doing anything positive for myself -- I am able to sort out what really would be good for me to do. and it's not in the framework of what would be an impressive accomplishment, something noteworthy or significant, which are such burdens! no, the framework is creative, kind, and/or good.
I feel really nourished by the acknowledgment I'm giving myself. I'm so glad I've stumbled on this practice of keeping accomplishment notebooks. I am a little afraid that it won't "keep working" for me, that I'll fall back into onerously critical self-talk again. right now, it's like I'm deciding again and again to speak/think kindly to myself.
I think one reason this is successful, is that it gives my monkey mind something to do. instead of worrying and obsessing and criticizing and judging -- paralyzing me into complete inaction -- it has something to do over and over again: notice and write down good, kind, creative things I *am* doing.
of course, it also helps that my work notebook is covered in shimmery pink fabric with sequins sewn on the front, and my home notebook is . . . purple!  they look great together. (I bring my home notebook with me to work in case I happen to do something non-work-related that I want to record). like call the pharmacy insurance people over lunch. or write this blog entry! I love looking over at my pretty books and thinking how full they are with good things I've done. and to think, someday I'll have notebooks full of things, piled high.
I admit, part of me is really skeptical of this new practice. (although it's really not new, I've been writing down hard things since the beginning of January). and part of me is very critical and snide/derisive about being so "pathetic" as to need to do this.
too bad, part of me that wants to be cool and perfect! this new practice is making me feel loved, appreciated, valued, respected.
which is way more important. |
| | Posted 8/20/2009 1:22 PM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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