I remember my dad had this little question taped to his adding machine which sat next to the computer while I was growing up: is this the best use of my time right now? I would read that question over and over again, convinced I was not using my time in the best way. AND, I had no clue how to figure out what the best use of my time would be. everything seemed not important enough.

I entertained these fantasies of greatness, of profoundly meaningful activity, and life just seemed so anti-climactic in comparison. nothing seemed worthwhile.

I still fall prey to the siren song of "greatness" . . . the idea of some shellacked, frozen "perfection", some ideal of eternal virtue completely cut off from the messiness of life. I still struggle with nothing seeming worthwhile.

hello, depression! 

or perhaps, hello, human condition . . .

I wonder about eastern ideas of enlightenment, western ideas of transcendence. so many ideas can be bent to dichotomous thinking where the body/mind and everyday experience are bad, while the dis-embodied spirit/soul soars to some perfect union with the divine.

which is ironic, because the places where I actually find God are in the details. in art that speaks to me. in the way hair falls across someone's forehead.

it's a mindset I want to cultivate: to see God's presence everywhere. to experience God in the ordinary.

wow, I've totally calmed myself down, but now it's time to go back to work and the prospect is intensely unappealing. I feel the familiar tension rising: it's time to work and focus and it all seems so unimportant. there's so much to do, where do I start? what is the "best" use of my time? perfection haunts me.

I have this idea that if I'm not perfect, I'm going to get fired, that I'll lose my job, that I won't be able to get another one. SCARY. more either/or.