I am so grateful tonight. Grateful I had my husband in my life for the time I did. Grateful I'm emerging intact from the grief of losing him. Grateful for my house. Grateful for my kitties. Grateful I get to move on. Granted, I never wanted to say that, but here I am. I feel like I've turned a corner on the grief. I cried massively and profoundly on Friday the 6th after finishing Picture Perfect by Jodi Picoult. [Spoiler alert] The main character Cassie realizes she has to divorce her abusive husband, even though it will hurt her so much because she loves him. Looking back, I realize this was a foreshadowing of the conclusion I came to in therapy on Wednesday the 11th. But before we get to that, Tuesday the 10th I chatted on Facebook with a friend from Diana's Grove who was on [ex-husband]'s Rites Team, someone I don't think I'd talked with since Rites weekend 2001. As I told her about losing [ex-husband], I mentioned I've thought about having a funeral for him over the years, but have never done it. That night, I did a tarot reading about "[ex-husband]'s funeral." I cried so hard. Journaled a lot. Got a LOT of information about what it means to me to say good-bye to him, to who he was to me. The next night in therapy I may have cried harder about losing [ex-husband] than I ever have. I said out loud a lot of things I've hardly let myself think, even though they were true for me. Stuff about not wanting to accept that he's really gone. Except there's this surreal experience where my ex has made a reappearance in my life. So he's not gone. He's changed . . . . he's . . . *she*. He's changed.
He's changed.
He's changed. Damn him, he went and changed on me. I did NOT want to accept that. I just didn't want it to be true, you know? But if it is true (and it sure as heck is), I want to change, too. I don't want to be the one who is still pining away for someone who hurt me so much. I don't want to be committed still to someone who hurt me so badly. I don't want to still be in love with someone who changed on me the way he did. None of this coming out quite right. Tonight, my chest still aches and the tears are hot and fat running down my neck. Well, they were hot on my face anyway. Kinda cool pooling in my collarbone. I took my rings off. I no longer want to be in a committed relationship with him. This is huge. And heart-breaking. And heart-mending. Heart-respecting and heart-soothing. Looking at my wedding pictures tonight, I could sense how I've changed, maybe not in specifics, but I can sense it. I'm not the woman who married him. It doesn't make sense to me, but I don't want to go back to how things were. I can't. I'm not her anymore. I don't love him anymore. It's hard not being that person anymore. I liked loving him. I liked having him love me. But he stopped, damnit. So I'm stopping, too. Still sad. But grateful to be coming out on the other side. Finally. Rejoice with me. | 
