| | I'm feeling mixed about two things right now: Jesus and my ex-spouse. And I feel incredibly sad about both of them.
I feel like it means something if I want to have a relationship with Jesus. Like I'm a sell-out or I'm like all those weird evangelical Christians who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I want a relationship with Jesus on my own terms. Why is this making me cry?? I don't actually think Jesus existed, or if he did, I'm confused about whether he was God. I don't know why this matters so much to me. It's upsetting me terribly. I have this huge lump in my throat and I keep collapsing into tears. I think it's fundamentally uncool to have a relationship with Jesus. Only wackos do that. Only people who are weak and can't stand on their own two feet. And yet, that's what I want - to have a relationship with Jesus. I don't know why I have such a low opinion of people who have a relationship to Jesus. It just seems so hokey to me. I'm OK with having a relationship to God. And I'm OK with people having relationships with other faces of the Divine, e.g. Artemis or Freya or Persephone. Yet I feel so judgmental about my own desire to have a relationship with Jesus who I do think is a face of the divine. I'm feeling devestated that this might exclude me from Unitarian Universalism. I really need/want to know if there are doctrinal standards regarding Jesus when there don't seem to be for anything else. And I am starving for meaningful study of Jesus. So much of what I've run into at Therese is leaving me less than inspired. I want to be inspired. I'm tired of being challenged, though I feel like I have no choice about being challenged. I feel like that's going to keep coming at me whether I want it or not. And probably some part of me wants to be challenged. Or at least I believe that's part of what faith is about - being challenged. I want to be comforted, too. I want to be soothed.
I was thinking that my angst about Jesus was unrelated to my angst about my ex. But I'm thinking they are actually related. I am lonely for God, in the person of Jesus. I crave him. I am incredibly lonely right now. I'll come back to that.
I don't know why I think it's so uncool to have a relationship with Jesus. I feel like there must be something broken about me, something wrong with me to want that.
So yeah, incredibly lonely. And having a hard time seeing myself as divine, as precious. I just feel so broken.
I saw my ex yesterday. It was amazing. She is so much more integrated than the last time I'd seen her, maybe about 3 years ago?
And I still miss him so much. SO. MUCH. Why'd he have to go away? It just seems like it must have been because of me. That there was something wrong with me. I know that's not true but it's how I feel. And more than that I just feel devestated. So, so sad.
I think my desire for a relationship with Jesus is messing with my story about myself as an outsider. Having a relationship with Jesus just seems so mainstream. So boring. So suburban. So unconnected to anything cool. And then on the other hand, having a relationship with Jesus seems to put me squarely outside what my friends are doing. I don't have any friends who have relationships with Jesus. At least not that I know of. It just seems so wrong to do that, have a relationship with Jesus. I feel like telling myself to just get over myself already. Jeez! And yet I'm not there yet. I'm stumbling all over this.
How can I be pagan and want a relationship with Jesus? How can I really consider myself earth-based and want a relationship with Jesus? Hmmmm? Fuuuuuck. I don't get it.
My ex considers herself christian now, among other things - agnostic, buddhist, pagan, gnostic. She had some really beautiful things to say about Jesus. About resurrection. About sacrifice.
Why does Christianity have to be associated with so much crap? I'm embarrassed to call myself Christian.
I wish my parents didn't have a vested interest in me being Christian. I'm definitely feeling resistant to their desire.
Part of it's that I don't want people to think I'm something that I'm not. But then I'm also afraid I'll turn out to be the cliched Jesus freak. Yikes.
I'm tempted to make this private, but I don't think I will. So there. ::razberry:: |
| | Posted 2/1/2009 11:32 PM - 27 Views - 8 eProps - 5 comments
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My mother and sister are really quite fond of Dr. Chuck Missler when it comes to bible study and understanding.
And I've no great words of wisdom regarding the feeling of loneliness or on being alone. You know this. You know why. I CAN empathize, however so you're not alone in your being alone. As quirky as that sounds. Keep your chin up kiddo, given enough time it'll get better... even more time and it'll get worse again too but that's a cycle for another day. *smile* Oh just giggle at that and remember to breathe.